I read a conversation the other day about losing oneself in service. Not in the warm, fuzzy, charitable way, but in the Oh Dear Lord Where Have I GONE?!!? way. One of the women said that while she was at home with her children, she used to chant, "I want to be a window to His love, so pure and so clear that when my family looks at me, they don't see me at all, they just see His love for them. ...And then I cried and cried." I tried to relate this story to a friend the other day and was surprised that I choked up, too.
Usually I try to ignore the rock tumbler effect of life at home with many small children. It's not the only situation that requires a lot of tedious, monotonous, thankless work. I don't think it's inherently wrong to have a large family or to do it young. I DO think it takes serious concerted effort to do it in a way that's healthy for everyone. And I HATE the idea that you can-or even worse-should disappear in service to the Lord or any good cause. Losing yourself in the work doesn't mean fading into oblivion. I think it means losing the parts of yourself that weren't all that great to begin with and, through the grace of God, magnifying all the wonderful stuff He gave you in the first place. At the end of my life, I still want to be ME, just a much better, more dignified, more refined, more satisfied version of me. I believe identity counts for something. What's the point of being unique if your goal in life is to try to rub out your own identity and replace it with a bland albeit very effective service machine? A piece I love from the Bible dictionary on grace:
"It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to do if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts."
How can I expend my best efforts without doing it in my own personally specific way? The parable of the talents applies here. I didn't receive a unique spirit just to bury it, assuming God doesn't mind because he already has so many great children. It's sacriligeous to think that the Lord would accept 15,000 changed diapers and 230 hours in PTA meetings in exchange for meaningful, personal service to Him.
The purpose of all this is to buoy me up because it's really easy to forget sometimes. I periodically fall into that annoying, pseudo-martyr, self-pitying thinking everyone hates in other people. Does it really matter who did the dishes as long as they're done? How do I contribute in a unique and meaningful way to the laundry on any given day? Does it matter that I'm the one who sends off my husband's mail? Couldn't anyone else fulfill my duties as well as I do?
In my life, the solution is to concentrate on the people. Yep, the dishes would probably be better done by a maid. An au pair could handle all the diaper changes. A secretary could send off the bills. But it's my voice my kids hear reading to them as they go to sleep. It's my hand that strokes my husband's hair. It's my own soul that's illuminated by love and understanding when I pray. That counts for something.
That doesn't mean everyone else is off the hook. I am more than a cook and chauffer and I think the people in my life have a responsibility to acknowledge that. Just like I have a responsibility to nurture the people I also serve. But when I remember the inherent worth of my own soul, the mechanics of daily life take their rightful place in the eternal scheme of things.
As for being a window to His love, I'd rather not aspire to that. I could handle being a filament. Or a wick, because I feel less ridiculous comparing myself to an oil lamp than to a light bulb. I want to be so devoted and so faithful that when my family looks at me, they see His glow, and they know that I couldn't have accomplished all this without Him. That His love sustains me as I offer them my love. When they then turn to Him, His love will transform them, too.
50 Years of Exponent II
2 weeks ago
2 comments:
Hi Jody, long time no talk to. Of course I have only talked to you once so I guess that isn't that bad or maybe it is. Good thoughts. My question is why would anybody want to be a window, you can see right through that and sometimes you can see light but sometimes you see darkness or gloom and you can't see everything through a window? If you are a filament or a wick, you are doing something important like you said you are the light for other people to see and to follow. Anyways I was just thinking Ben is the articulate one in the family, give David and the kiddos loves and kisses for us.
Jody, I don't think that the idea of being lost in service is about removing originality and destroying a sense of self. To be lost in service is not to disappear. It is to find deeper truths in ourselves, to forget all the surface stuff, all the day to day garbage and find that spiritual core. Yeah, I dig what you're saying.
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