Was it July when I posted that? As in 7 months ago? My life is like a set of interlocking gears-- all working together at the same time but all rotating at really different speeds. I'm a huge gear in the analogy. I feel like I don't change much at all over the course of a few months. But my little kids-- they're exceptionally small. Several whole rotations for them only move me about a tenth of the way around my axis. In the last seven months, my littlest one moved from laying there to crawling to almost walking. He learned that he likes his family, that strangers are the devil, that he likes food, that maybe all strangers aren't the devil, that he can get what he wants by being cute, that it's fun to bounce, that his siblings are hilarious, that the car seat means no attention for a while, that teeth are useful.... His whole world has changed. Me? Well, I've lost maybe 5 pounds. I've gone through a few cycles of happy-brooding-happy. I've aged a few years (sleep deprivation speeds things up exponentially). Other than that, things are a lot the same around these parts. I'm a slow moving gear.
Yeah...and that kind of half baked idea is the reason I don't do more of this. I know I have the mental capacity to do better, but I'm terribly fragmented at the moment. I don't like being faced with tangible proof of just how rusty my communications skills are. I keep starting to write, then recoiling at my lack of clarity, and putting it off for that magical time in the future when my brain will start working again. Ah, sweet procrastination.
I had a friend in school who had this uncanny way of seeing me exactly as I was. He was my honesty. I lost touch with him at a time in my life when, fittingly, I was behaving in a self-deceiving way. But when I think about him, I usually also take a few minutes to see how I'm really doing, inner-working wise. It's an odd contradiction. I cringe a little bit at the first glimpse of true introspection, but all in all I like to see the whole honest picture. I like honestly taking stock and seeing who I currently am. Here's the verdict for tonight: Lately I feel like I've been drifting, but I'm still in sight of Jody island. I've been standing on the beach for a while now, watching myself way out from shore, paddling a fishing boat around in big circles. I've been shaking my head and wondering what on earth I'm doing out there. But now, finally, I seem to have awakened enough from my aimless paddling to ask myself, Yeah, what AM I doing out here? (Why shouldn't I play multiple parts in my inner-drama? It was cool when Captain Jack did it. We're all fragmented to some extent). So I've spotted myself on shore, where I'm smacking my head and gesturing widely in a "Finally!!" way, and now I've turned the boat towards home. As I pull myself in, the dregs of seaweed and such are streaming out behind me and sloughing off in the tide. It's slow going, but by the time I reach the island, I'll be completely clean. Or something. I only hope I'm still waiting there for me when I get there. Knowing me, I'll probably have wandered off to try and make a bonfire out of coconut leaves or something. But hey, the chase is always an adventure.
I haven't decided if I want this blog to turn into an online scrapbook like some of the ones I like to visit, or if it'll be a place for random (and I mean really reeeeally random) thought fragments, like the ones from tonight, but in this nebulous state, I'm going to count it as good that at least I'm posting something. The process will become more refined as I actually do it.
And now I've allayed my conscience somewhat for being a bloghog--all reading and no posting. And I can go to bed.
50 Years of Exponent II
2 weeks ago
2 comments:
Jody,
The process is always hard. No mater how much you write, you will still se the communication errors and rough spots. That is fine, it shows progress. The tough part is putting everything down just how you want it and you know everything means exactly what you want it to, and then someone barges in and starts interpreting your creation in their empty way, not understanding and ignoring any possible meaning you intended. Yeah. I shudder when I try to put something down and then i look at it and wonder where my clarity went. But those times, if shared, will at least be partially understood by those who understand the word "friend." If they don't get it, at least they will try to find out the depth of things rather than change it.
Ha, your linked now. This is done for your own good. Post more.
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